tits and ass

Despite Shakespeare’s prolific contributions to the English language we apparently lack the imagination to invent an arsenal of words to describe the female form and therefore lazily default to a word that, while fabulous, has no true definition, and therefore causes us to stab each other.

Curvy.

Five little letters loaded with tits, ass, and the power to make grown women to type grammar-massacring diatribes because YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT CURVY REALLY IS.

Big girls invoke it to feel voluptuous as opposed to frumpy. Little girls aspire to it to feel womanly as opposed to boyish. The Kardashians’ say curves are about ass and the Playmates’ say it’s about racks.

There has never been such ownership of a word. Such vitriol over who exactly is curvy enough to be called curvy, slender enough to not be fat, but not so skinny that they’re just thin. The definition of curvy seems to be a mathematical equation rather than a linguistic expression:

(Boobs>Ass) < Waist < 25 > Thighs< 40

Or perhaps algebra is the only true way to define va-va-voom, where A= Beyonce, B= Katy Perry and C= Victoria’s Secret Models:

A+B/(C+ 15LBS)= Curvy?

Or we could put away our calculators, put on our three piece suits, play legally blonde and offer up exhibits A (Christina Hendricks), B (Serena Williams), and C (Jessica Rabbit). We could prove, beyond a reasonable doubt, what the RIGHT kind of curvy is.

We could invoke Dr. Frankenstein. We could CREATE the perfect kind of curvy, one we can ALL agree upon, one we can point to and say “Oh, you want to know what curvy is? THAT’S curvy.”

OR, we could all just allow, that regardless of cup size, of pant size, of waist measurements and ratios, regardless of musculature, cellulite, big bones and small racks, that curvy, DOES NOT MEAN THE SAME THING TO EVERYONE. And that? Is fine. Because we still get to ogle and appreciate and lust after and envy a virtual menagerie of women of all different shapes and sizes, with curves in all sorts of right places.

Because variety? Is the spice of life. And the answer to the question Scarlett Johansson or Penelope Cruz is YES PLEASE!

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~ by rubylocks on July 15, 2010.

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